Gratitude

Have I adequately taken the time to tell you how grateful I am for you? That it is because of your example, your story, your willingness to open up to someone you didn't know very well, your desire to help me understand what addiction really is, is a MAJOR part of what I have come to understand? You spurred the change that is within me and helped me see that if I let the Lord help me He could change my heart, you helped me understand and SEE from the addicts point of view, you showed me there is more to a person than just an addiction and that that is not what defines an individual. You are a lovely woman both inside and out and the Lord has great things in store for you...... "for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart"......and you my friend truly have a heart of Gold! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am eternally grateful for you, and I think I got the better end of the deal!

"I make weak things become strong unto them"

" No matter what the source of difficulty and no matter how you begin to obtain relief - through a qualified professional therapist, doctor, priesthood leader, friend, concerned parent, or loved one - no matter how you begin, those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments."
Richard G Scott


No amount of support from recovery groups, or loved ones, can or will bring you salvation. Other people may bless you and support you in your journey, but eventually you must come unto Christ Himself for true healing, recovery, and salvation. I spoke before of being " Broke In", which I believe is to come to him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit; Remorseful for our behavior, with a desire to change, and with the willingness to surrender ourselves to His guidance and will.

We are foolish to think we our doing well on our own, that the temporary relief of burden is met by confiding in another, and allowing another to shoulder a portion of our burden. Everlasting recovery comes through the healing power of the atonement, through the steps provided us, which if we dedicate ourselves to, along with the Lord, we will not fail.

" If men come unto me I will show them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them "
Ether 12:27

I'm Free

Wanted to share this beautiful song with someone who has struggled for so long and has taken such great lengths to change! In many ways, you are free!

Addiction Specialist

I was asked at my church to be the addiction specialist for this area. I am honored, yet humbled by this. Many who know me, know that this is an area that I study, this is something that I have had some experiences in, and is one that I feel strongly about. But at the same time I am a little overwhelmed. I am actually being faced with some of the desires of my heart, and I pray that I may be an instrument in the Lords hands in helping others overcome their addictions for it is through Him that change and repentance come. 

I look forward to this experience, yet know that it will be a challenge. One that will require much faith, and LOTS of guidance.  Man has the power to change with the help of the Lord. I hope that I can accurately show them the path and hope they choose to walk it.

Doctrine and Covenants 18:15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!

Broke In

The title to my post today has become one of my favorite sayings and ideas so far through this journey. It applies to so much more to addiction recovery and can virtually be used to govern our lives. 

As I was studying the subject of step number 3, surrendering our lives to our creator, i came across an analogy of a horse and how one "brakes" it.  It is something that requires time, patience and effort. But once done,  the horse will heed to the masters command and instructions and can be a great tool in his hand. Sometimes that horse is stubborn and fights to remain the one in control, leaving a wake of destruction and wild behavior in it's path....and sometimes, there are the horses that refuse to be broke in.

When I think of surrendering my life to my creator, I think of that horse being broke in. Not "Broken" or "Broke", but Broke In; Yielding to the masters hand, surrendering my struggle and fight to Him, allowing him to be the leader, to guide me along the path. What a beautiful concept. There is something beautiful that happens when a horse yields to his master, ceases to struggle against the rein and allows him to show him the way.

Are you Broke in, or are you still fighting against the reins? The master horseman is there to shape you into a greater tool, a greater you, a more majestic you. Become "Broke In"

Time

Time is a subject of great interest of mine for a while now. In the past, often thought of as something we are running out of, something that governs my day and schedules, and in some cases I have thought time has run out.  

As time has passed I have begun to realize that " TIME" is something I have for eternity. I don't believe it should be squandered or wasted, and in some aspects time is limited in certain events and circumstances, but in the grand scheme of things it is endless.

With time comes wisdom and understanding, maturity, patience and growth, change and the ability to change if that time is applied correctly. 

Time is something we need to allow ourselves and others to heal, whether it be physically, spiritually, or emotionally. 

Time is essential in recovering from addiction. Growth does not happen over night, but little by little; Line upon line, precept upon precept.  Reflect over your life thus far and where you are at. What has time allotted you to do? And what have you done with your time? What will you continue to do with your time? How can you spend it more wisely? Can you GIVE of your time? Can you give the needed time that the loved one you have with addiction needs in order to grow themselves? 

We have been given eternity to continue to learn and grow as long as we prove worthy of that blessing. If you wish to grow, we must allow others the same opportunity. Change doesn't come easily, but if allowed.....time can heal all wounds.

He restoreth my soul

I had the privilege of hearing Don Hilton ( the author of the book I recommended) speak this weekend on the science behind pornographic and sexual addiction. He being a member of my church, also spoke on the healing powers of the Atonement and how through it, one can heal, can change, and ultimately can change the way your brain functions. So many do not realize the power of this addiction, or that it even is an addiction. And in addition to that, a majority of society fails to realize the necessity of the Atonement, and reliance upon the Lord in order to free ourselves from that bondage.

I know that many of my readers are not members of my church, but I would be foolish to proclaim healing, or growth or change with out the assistance and reliance upon the Lord. It is through him, through the power of Atonement, through His grace that we are able to change. Words which I heard many say this weekend, which I testify to myself is that I didn't fully understand the power or depths of the atonement until I walked through this journey with an individual who suffered with addiction. I have walked this journey with ones that I love; Some through all 12 steps, others still in the beginning of their journey, and one or 2 somewhere in the middle. I have seen the pain and the struggle, and I have also seen the Lord heal and change hearts, step by step, day by day, line upon line, precept upon precept, as the individual truly works and desires to rid themselves of addiction.

These are things I truly believe; I know in my heart to be true. I have always had a tender heart and much compassion for people. I love my fellow man. Many have found that to be a weakness that lies within me, but I find it a strength; Maybe even a talent or a gift. I know people can change, people can heal, and addictions can be overcome. I am so grateful for this experience this weekend. The spirit testified to me that these things are true. I learned so much more that I am eager to share. I am grateful that I have been allowed to walk this journey with others, to have greater understanding and compassion, and to use this knowledge to help others.

Once again, I recommend the book, " He restoreth my soul " by Donald Hilton. You can click on it from my blog. It is wonderful at describing the science behind sexual addiction as well as spiritually breaking the chains and healing from this addiction as well. You will not be disappointed you read it. 

Are you an enabler?

What is an enabler? The definition of an enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet inadvertently assists the person with the problem to persist with their 

detrimental behaviors.

For example, lets look at *Suzie's life. Her husband *Carl is an alcoholic and has been for over a decade. Embarrased by it, Susie covers for him when he is hungover. She may call in sick for him and lie and say he 

has some virus when really he is passed out in bed.

Then there is *Hannah and *Jim. Their adult son Michael has been a drug user since his early teens. Never good at managing money, now seems to always be on the brink of starvation, because what little he does seem to bring in is spent on his addiction. Not wanting to see him go without food, or power, or gasoline for his car to get back and forth to work, they dole out the money....knowing that most of his income  is spent on drugs.

These people are all unwitting victims. They are trying to help their loved ones. Instead they are actually allowing their loved one to keep acting out their detrimental behaviors. They are taking responsibility for the bad behavior themselves, instead of handing the responsibility right back where it belongs: in the hands of Carl, and Hannah and Jim's son, and thousands of others just like them. By refusing to get Michael out of a financial bind, by insisting that Carl calls in sick himself, they will begin to change the dynamics of their relationships with these people.

When an enabler decides to stop "helping", relationships invariably become difficult as the enabler becomes a target for rage, pleading, and emotional blackmail. This is the time to stand firm. It's not easy, but if you love your friend or family member, it is the best gift you can give them. Making them take responsibility for their actions is the only way that your friend or family member can begin to change their lives. 

Animal Assisted Therapy

This is ultimately something that I want to do!

" The phrase "troubled teen" is somewhat ambiguous, and can mean different things to different people. But essentially, it refers to a teenager who struggles with mid-level to severe emotional and behavioral issues. The teen may experiment with drugs or alcohol or even become addicted. The issues can be caused by any number of things, including an unstable or unsafe home life, or spending time with the "wrong crowd". Regardless of the reasons, a teenager who's emotional or behaviorally unstable can be a danger to himself, his family and his friends. Over the years, psychologists and counselors have discovered many effective treatment programs for troubled teens. One that is coming to the forefront is Animal Assisted Therapy - or the use of professionally trained animals as part of the counseling process.

Studies have shown that spending time with a friendly animal, even a short time like 10 to 15 minutes, increases the amount of endorphins that are released into the body and decreases the levels of a chemical called cortisol - which is a hormone that controls stress and arousal. Because many troubled teens are in a near-constant state of emotional arousal and/or stress, animal assisted therapy can help them feel calmer.

Most domestic animals also shy away from aggressive behavior. Animal assisted therapy can help a troubled teen learn that quiet, gentle behavior gets better results than behavior that is loud and aggressive.

Some people hear "animal-assisted therapy" and think that it means kids are simply hanging out with pets, but true AAT is a formal, planned program in which the teen participates. Interactions with the animal(s) are controlled, and are done for specific reasons. Facilities that choose to implement animal-assisted therapy typically conduct extensive studies and develop strict rules and guidelines for their programs. Far from being haphazard, these programs are focused and intentional, and often produce marked positive results.

Counselors have seen teenagers, even teens in juvenile detention facilities, that are unresponsive to the counselor open up and actually "talk" to a therapy dog or horse. Some are so overwhelmed by a therapy dog's unconditional kindness that they break down and cry. This kind of emotional breakthrough is vital in the treatment of troubled or at-risk teenagers, and allows the teen to begin moving toward emotional and psychological healing. "

Is there really such thing as Sexual addiction?

 

 

 

 

Recently while discussing some of my research findings with a close friend, she asked, " Is there really such a thing as Sexual or Pornography addiction? I thought it was normal for all guys to do that kind of stuff".

I am here to tell you, YES! It is a real addiction, and NO it is not normal for Men or Women to participate in or view that type of material. Society would have you believe that it is healthy and normal, but God, AND science disagrees. 

Here are some links to help you educate yourself on this particular type of addiction, and how to help a loved one through it. I have many many more that are more in depth ( medically) and will be happy to send them to you if you are interested.

Understanding the Addictive nature of Pornography

 

Pornography Harms 

Depression and Addiction

The old question of the chicken and the egg and which came first applies to this conundrum. Recent studies suggest that depression and addiction recurrently go hand in hand.

There is a strong correlation between depression and addiction and the problem is often approached in 2 different ways.
1. Some conventional psychiatric treatment procedures focus on treating depression as the root cause contributing to the drug or alcohol abuse problem, 
2. Others consider depression as a symptom typically revealed after a person gets addicted into substance abuse. 

As an addict travels along the ever descending road, whilst experiencing their high, they are in a euphoric state of mind in which they simply become numb to any sort of pain sensations, both emotional and physical. In most cases, addicts are in a worsening or poor state of health. Long-time drug and alcohol abusers also suffer from nutritional deficiencies. Therefore addiction is a progressive complication. 

Due to prolonged addiction problems, addicts face variety of emotional, social and physiological problems such as job loss, broken relations, and discontinuation in studies, financial bankruptcy, legal problems and many others, which lead to recurrent episodes of depression. So in one way or other, depression and addiction is highly correlated with each other, especially considering the consequences of addiction. 

Depression Often Leads To Relapse

Depression is a critical mental health condition that most frequently coexist with substance abuse disorders. If left untreated depression can hinder the addiction recovery process and may lead to relapse. On the other hand, an untreated addiction problem may also develop depression in the patient and consequently lead to relapse. Hence, this vicious cycle of depression and addiction needs to be recognized and requires simultaneous treatment. 

The ideal treatment must focus on the deepest root of the addiction and its consequences incorporating a thorough understanding of the relation between addiction, recovery, depression and relapse. The treatment must be based on a clear understanding of the bio-psychosocial model of addiction and depression. The fundamental principle of treatment will only be established by treating depression coexisting with addiction. The recovery plans need to address the administration of signs and symptoms of both depression and addiction. 

( Paul Courtney)

counting days of sobriety

I laid in bed last night thinking about a conversation I had with an individual about counting the days of sobriety. The only method I am familiar with, or even really thought of was ..."You remain clean so many days, keep track of the amount of time, and if you slip up you start from scratch".  

What a disheartening and discouraging way of accounting for your progress and set backs. No wonder so many fall off the wagon, you cant ever see the progression. All you know is that you must scratch everything and start again from the bottom.

Imagine this chain. So much work has gone into cutting out the strips and placing each one together, each signifying something special. It finally reaches across the room, and now you must trash it all; All of it is worth  nothing, and you must begin again. How heart wrenching! How does one ever feel like they have accomplished anything?

Lets now take this same chain....Each day you carefully choose your paper, cut it out, you  may even design it, then you glue it on to your chain. Some days it may be a challenge, maybe you don't want to cut today, or maybe the color isn't right, but you still somehow make that link for the end of your chain.The next day something goes awry...for whatever reason, you mess up your link and you can't glue it on.

Is your chain completely ruined? Why is there need to scrap the whole chain for one ruined link? Haven't you worked so hard on those other links? Why shouldn't we count the effort and work and accomplishment that went into all those other links, just because we messed up one?

It is my suggestion ( thanks to this individual whom I conversed with) that we keep the good links, and trash only the links that we messed up. That way we see our progression, we see the hard work we have done, we see that we actually have accomplished something, and our chain is really a lot longer than we give ourselves credit for. With enough time, and enough practice, just maybe we won't screw up any more links, and our chain will be long enough to reach the moon.

You Can Change

I believe that all mankind can change and better themselves. I t is usually us that doesn't allow them to, or give them the chance to prove themselves. Why try if we set them up for failure. I dedicate this to all who desire to change and better themselves. * you will have to scroll down and pause the playlist before you play the song.

There are days

You stumble and you fall

And sometimes through it all

You think you'll never stand again

There are times

When choices weigh you down

And bend you to the ground

That's a place that we've all been … but

You can change

You can turn your heart around

A brand new start can be found

If you'll only take one step

You can change

Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon

And let them die

And emerge a butterfly

You can change

Now it's time

To finally spread your wings

And soar to higher things

You know the limit is the sky

As you go

If you sometimes fail

When your spirit's frail

Remember you were meant to fly

You can change

Wrap your mistakes in a cocoon

And let them die

And emerge a butterfly

Rock Bottom

Who came up with the idea that an individual needs to hit "Rock Bottom" before they are able to seek the proper help and recovery that is needed in order to overcome and addiction? So far, there is not an actual medical statistic showing that that is necessary or that it truly exists. 

Who defines what Rock Bottom is? I believe that it is an individual thing. For some it may be a near death experience, others the loss of their family and friends. There is imprisonment, court ordered rehab, and health related issues. Then there are those who are overcome with grief just from knowing what they are doing is wrong. For many, Rock Bottom is located in a casket, and  can not be returned from. 

It is my belief that we are much to blame, especially when it comes to our teenagers and young adult children, when we give up on those we love under the guise that, " well, they aren't going to change. I just need to let them hit Rock Bottom first."  We fool ourselves into thinking that they will come around on their own. In some instances I believe that to be true. Some desire a different path and change. Then there are many who don't see what they are doing is wrong and never do change......then there are those with the most powerful testimonies of change and recovery. Those are the ones with gratitude in their hearts for the individuals who guided them, encouraged them, and believed they could change. 

Please don't wait for your loved one to hit "Rock Bottom". Reach out and catch them, or steady them before they fall. If they fall hard enough, they may not ever return.

My Path

 I have always been one of those people who likes to keep things quiet, especially the bigger the "item" of topic is. I do it for various reasons, the biggest being the fact that I like to know that it is something that will actually happen, or that I will follow through with. I hate the repeat of the disappointment that follows telling individuals who come to me and inquire about it, that it didn't or will not happen, or that there are bumps in the road.Well, this time is different.

I have decided to make an announcement in a very public way, because this time I need the support and encouragement of others. This is a very big step for me, and feel like the more who are on my side the better. After all, this blog is about my journey towards addiction healing, and owning my own center.

My announcement,.....That would be.......

I have found an addiction counseling center that is for sale and that I am in the process of trying to acquire it. This is a hard thing for me to disclose. I have people here (in Texas) that I love, and it will be very hard to relocate ( no, I am not disclosing the location at this time). It is also a difficult thing to tell an employer..." hey, I'm buying a business. I don't know when, or if it is really going to happen, so just sit tight and stop worrying, because you will never find someone who is qualified to replace me ;}" In addition to that, it is a difficult thing to acquire.

However hard, this is the road I want to travel. Disappointment may come but it is a challenge I am willing to accept and work towards, even if the outcome is not as I desire. In that case, I will place it among the many stepping stones that line my path towards the final goal. I can use all the support and encouragement I can get.

You Will Be Freed

You find what you are looking for

Great words that have inspired me lately. It is my hope that I am quick to forgive and find the good in others. I cannot expect the same courtesy if I am unwilling to extend this saving principle.

“The greatest good we can do in helping others become what they can become will be to lead them to the Savior.” Todd. D. Christopherson

"Have you ever noticed that people can usually find whatever they are looking for? Look hard enough, and you can discover both good and bad in almost anyone and anything. Those who look for the good will find a kind and compassionate people—a people who love the Lord and desire to serve Him and bless the lives of their fellowman. But it is also true that those who look for the bad will certainly find things that are not so ideal.

We have a choice. We can seek for the bad in others. Or we can make peace and work to extend to others the understanding, fairness, and forgiveness we so desperately desire for ourselves. It is our choice; for whatever we seek, that we will certainly find" .Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Bound

 

In the beginning, our experiment with potentially addictive substances and behaviors may appear harmless. We may even convince ourselves that it is something beautiful...Like this black ribbon in the picture. It temporarily brings us joy, satisfaction, and maybe even euphoria. We are deceived into believing that it is something that is of  good. We soon discover our ribbon is now a chain; A chain that has bound us and renders us helpless, dependent and trapped. We know there is a key to unlock this chain, but feel so helpless and the key seems so far out of our reach. We are bound so tightly...is it even possible to maneuver around to reach the key?

Satan’s plan for men is to lead “them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever” (2 Ne. 26:22). He will “pacify” them and “lull them away into carnal security” so that he can lead them “carefully down to hell” (2 Ne. 28:21).

The Savior holds the key to our freedom. Only he can unlock the padlock on our chains. Through him, an opening is made, but great effort will be required on your part to unwind the chains from upon you. He will assist you, and ultimately can aid in the removal of this great burden. He is the way....He IS the key!

Education on Heroin



It is important that we educate ourselves and understand what is out there. Do not put it past your children, your childrens friends, your relatives, your neighbor...etc.etc. It is prevelant, easily acessible, and you are surrounded by it and don't even realize it. Talk to your kids, educate, and protect what you have.

Trust

I think that we often assume that because forgiveness has been extended, that Trust has been restored with it. We need remember that trust and forgiveness are two separate issues. A person can repent, be forgiven long before he or she can earn trust again. We need to remember that just as the problem may have taken years to develop into what it is, it will take TIME to resolve.

"....being patient and understanding does not mean condoning, accepting, or enabling their partner’s behavior. It is critical that they establish clear, healthy boundaries and that their husband or wife understands what kinds of behaviors will not be tolerated."  Michael Gardiner

I believe that Trust can be restored. It takes TIME, EFFORT, and CONSISTENT behavior that warrants that trust. I think Trust is harder to gain than forgiveness is.

We All Bleed Red

 We All Bleed Red - Lovely song I just heard and wish to share! Enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSWcVUbjTk4

Signs of the times

When we think of the word "Plague" what is it that first comes to thought? Some will say disease, sores upon the body maybe. Then there is flies, or crickets....but how about pornography? Is that typically something that you would associate with a plague?

Throughout the Scriptures we are warned of plagues to precede the coming of the Lord, but who said that they are limited to ancient descriptions of plagues such as lice and frogs and boils upon the flesh? My friends I stand before you today and declare that pornography is indeed a plague that is rapidly overtaking us. It becomes increasingly difficult to find a man who has not in some form partaken in it. Women are not susceptible and our young ones are the targets for the future. It is a trap which is difficult to escape from. You can purge your body of a substance, but you can never fully purge your mind of images placed within. 

I quote Boyd K. Packer, 

"In our day the dreadful influence of pornography is like unto a plague sweeping across the world, infecting one here and one there, relentlessly trying to invade every home, most frequently through the husband and father. The effect of this plague can be, unfortunately often is, spiritually fatal.

We raise an alarm and warn members of the Church to wake up and understand what is going on. Parents, be alert, ever watchful that this wickedness might threaten your family circle."

I want to raise an alarm as well...We can not take enough precautions in order to keep this out of our home. We must "Inoculate" or "Vaccinate" ourselves against this. Wives, go ask your husbands if they have or are participating in this great evil! Listen with your heart, and if admission takes place please try and see it for what it is...It will hurt, but you both can get past it and grow through it together. Parents...place security measures on your televisions and most crucially on your computers. Talk to you children. YES, have this conversation with them. If you wait until you think they are old enough to understand, you will find that they have already been educated after the fashion of the world and will know far more than you had hoped and did not have the courage to speak with you regarding it.

If you have and or are suffering with this addiction, there are avenues to help you, there are steps to take to overcome this. YOU CAN CHANGE! But it requires great effort. Have faith, have courage, and surrender it to the Lord.

An Act of Genuine Unselfishness

“The suffering you endure from resisting or from leaving a life-style of addiction or perversion is not a hundredth part of that suffered by your parents, your spouse or your children, if you give up. Theirs is an innocent suffering because they love you. To keep resisting or to withdraw from such a life-style is an act of genuine unselfishness, a sacrifice you place on the altar of obedience. It will bring enormous spiritual rewards.

“Remember that agency, that freedom of choice that you demanded when you forsook your covenants? That same agency can now be drawn upon to exert a great spiritual power of redemption.”

Boyd K. Packer

The Rythm of Hope

As you begin to read, you should hear the beginnings of a song; A song titled HOPE. I was moved by this song, and the characteristics of the rhythm to my own definition and feelings of hope.

Those without hope find it hard to begin at first. It is slow, almost tedious sounding,requiring great effort to continue...but your efforts must remain constant. You want to drop the beat, but don't. You tread a little further, wondering if the mundane will ever change.

As you carry on, you find that the beat ever so slightly quickens, but remains constant. Then lightly, almost unexpected...you are uplifted...just a little, with a feeling that maybe it just isn't quite so bad. Your beat continues within you, driving you to remain constant...steady.

Moments come and you feel the brief glimmers of it creeping upon you. Just like the first steps of an infant, it comes and goes, but as your beat remains constant you find that Hope is slowly taking its place within your heart.

Piercing from the darkness, comes this small ray of light. It is warm, it is love, it is light and begins to replaces the weight upon your soul. As it gently swells, it is powerfully lifting you up to heights you didn't think you could reach, yet it is doing it ever so subtly and tenderly. The beat is no longer the for runner, it is now the support. It is what allowed the melody to take place and take root within you . The one is not complete without the other.

It isn't grand, there is no  magnificent display surrounding it....

it just IS.

You feel light, you feel free, you hear the joy within your soul. The cherished desire and the will to carry on is firmly fixed. In the end, the peace you sought is achieved through simple, consistent, and tender rhythms.

*If you would like to hear the song again, please scroll down to the playlist and click on the first song titled Hope

Gravity - Powerful depiction of addiction through dance

A very powerful portrayal of addiction through dance. My husband and I were so moved.....we both wept. Please scroll down and pause the playlist at the bottom before you watch the video.

New Site

Please visit the new site I found. www.pornharms.com

There you will find all sorts of information, helps, articles, etc. etc. It will help you better understand the nature of this addiction, how it harms you and your family, how girls are not insusceptible, and how to protect your loved ones.

Absent

I wanted to apologize for my absence lately. My computer is officially on the fritz, and the only access I currently have is it my place of employment. Not that there are many of you who follow my on a consistent basis, in fact I don't think there is even one who consistently checks my blog other than myself   =} In all honestly, my hope is that this blog can and will help someone along their journey through addiction. Whether it be the addict, or the loved one. But in the long run, this blog is really for me and for my journey.