Forgiveness

A word and an action that many of us seek in our lifetime, yet fail to give it in return. We often times make a judgement, and hold on to that judgment, eager to see an individual suffer, or punished. I wanted to address the loved ones of addicts who are finding it difficult to forgive.

In the Bible it reads, (Matt. 7:1-2.) " Judge not, that ye be not judged.

For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall me measured to you again."

The Lord will judge with the same measurements meted out by us. If we are harsh, we should not expect other than harshness. If we are merciful with those who injure us, he will be merciful with us in our errors. If we are unforgiving, he will leave us weltering in our own sins.

We are unable to look upon the heart and see anothers intentions, we can not discern what another thinks, often leading us to judge wrongfully. Only the Lord is capable of doing so. Do not hinder others progression as well as your own by refusing them the opportunity to change, and not forgiving them of their trespasses.

He who will not forgive others breaks down the bridge over which he himself must travel.

We are the Creators...

"Recovery provides peace, serenity and wholeness when we did not believe we could be whole again. We must do our own work to achieve these things by attending local support group meetings, working the 12 Steps, and beginning the process on our own, for we cannot rely on someone else's recovery to find our own serenity, and it is only through our personal relationship with the Savior that our self-inflicted wounds can be healed."

"Suffering can make saints of people...."

"Being human, we would expel from our lives physical and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery."

Spencer W Kimball, Faith precedes the Miracle

Confession

I have dedicated much of my time lately to one of the steps of Recovery; that being CONFESSION. It is one of the most vital, if not THE most vital step in recovery, yet so many hit a wall when they reach this step. It is quite understandable why; the fear of being rejected, hurting our loved ones even more, etc. etc. Admitting it actually means we have to accept it in our own hearts as well.

Through my studies, I came across some things regarding confession that I desired to share. I wish I could claim some sacred insight to myself, yet these are words of another, but was testified to my heart that these things are true.

The first is in the Bible, Romans 9:10," For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

Salvation is granted AFTER we confess our sins and then forsake them. Do we just tell anybody our sins or our mistakes, or our addictions? No, there is a difference between a confession and recovery sharing, and the latter is done as support for another individual (which will be addressed at a later time).

Some rationalize that addictions are private sins and that it can be privately worked out. THEY ARE WRONG. It is a lie that the adversary tells us so that he may continue to have claim upon the person for their sins. I quote Donald L Hilton Jr. ,"...given the nature of addiction,it will be impossible to actually quit the behavior without the assistance of others. In secrecy, the person my think he can overcome the addiction by willpower alone and may go for extended periods of abstinence. At some point, however, when the stress is right, isolation returns, and old patterns are rekindled and acting out in the addiction is inevitable. The addiction may lie dormant for months in some cases depending on the resistance, but it will return if the person is not in full recovery. Confession is essential not only for spiritual healing and eventual forgiveness, but for mental and emotional healing and recovery as well."

For those of you who are struggling, be not afraid. Confession is not the end, yet it provides a wonderful feeling of a burden lifted. A weight that is lifted and shared with another, who can help you carry that weight and eventually help you remove it.

For those of your loved ones who are being confessed to, I encourage you to be loving, patient, and understanding. IT WILL HURT! And you will have to recovery in your own sense for the wrong that has been done. Seek the guidance of the Lord, and you will know how to proceed. Encourage them to seek the proper ecclesiastical person to confess to as well, for recovery is not complete without spiritual healing as well as physical.

The Recovery Story From a Food Addict

I was raised in an alcoholic home amidst the usual tension, chaos, fear and violence that drinking provokes. When I was twelve I discovered the perfect sedative: food. Eating enormous amounts of sugary "treats" presented no problem until I started to gain weight.


I was terrified of being fat because I knew it would make me even more unacceptable than I was. With my protruding front teeth, big ears, acne and shyness, who needed another handicap? The more afraid I was of getting fat, the more I had to eat to squelch the fear. I now ate against my will and had lost the power of choice.

For the next eighteen years, I was obsessed with food, calories, diets, pills, and scales. My food intake determined my mood and my actions. My weight controlled my participation in life. If I binged, I could not go to school the next day because I would be too sick and bloated. Eventually the "A!' average which had represented my only asset fell to a "C" due mainly to absenteeism.

If I binged during the day, I would not go out socially at night because I looked and felt too awful. My social life shrank as my withdrawal from reality progressed. My only pleasures were escapist ones in which I took no active part. Going to movies was my favorite because it was dark, diverting and no one could see how many candy bars I ate.

Reading books about beautiful heroines were another escape, for I lost myself in their adventures. The best escape of all was my fantasy world where I was slim, stunning, charming, and every male within a fifty-mile radius was pining for me. I pictured in detail my hair, clothes, and scintillating personality.

I was a compulsive calorie counter, especially when bingeing. I would compute repeatedly how much I had consumed so I could punish myself. I ate to the point of nausea for the same reason. In fact, punishing it became a fulltime job.

When I was sixteen, I went to work part-time in a drugstore and found another answer: dexamyl. For the next ten years, I played Russian roulette with alternating or combined intakes of pills food and alcohol. I was equally addicted to all three. In this manner I kept my weight under 160 pounds and paid the price in mental, physical and spiritual demoralization.

I lost weight, courtesy of the pills, on special occasions only: when I was "in love", when I became ill with some interesting new malady, or when tragedy struck. I welcomed any situation that brought a temporary halt to bingeing. During a period when I was heavily addicted to diet pills I reached what I thought was the perfect weight for my five feet, seven inches: 95 pounds. My dream of being as scrawny as a Vogue model was finally realized. No more did I have to compare myself with other girls at parties and come out the one with the biggest hips. I felt gorgeous. Never mind such minor drawbacks as anemia and malnutrition.

At this point, two events occurred that caused me to gain 45 pounds in three months: my pill supply was cut off and I got married. My shapely legs and vibrant (chemically induced) personality, both of which rapidly disappeared, had attracted my husband.

I do not function when I binge. I miss work, get sleepy, depressed and paralyzed. I sat in a chair for eighteen hours, watching television and eating, too scared to open the drapes or answer the telephone. I played the resolution game for years. On Monday or the first of the month or New Year's or my birthday I resolved to go on a diet, stop drinking, not smoke and assume my place in the world.

I was sincere because I neither knew nor would have believed that I was ill and powerless to carry out my resolutions. Resolve, for me, was something that broke down in a matter of hours, leaving me totally bewildered by the repeated failures.

I lost jobs. My husband was a student and we needed the income, but I became too sick to help. I found energy only to get to the market and cause scenes at home. Finally, my husband could not take it any more. He left. This prompted a dramatic suicide attempt on my part, followed by two years of therapy.

The earnestness of my efforts to get well lured my husband back home. Soon, he found himself on a treadmill of working, going to school, cooking and cleaning. I felt enormous guilt, but I could not change the destructive course I was on. Therapy was unsuccessful, for I misinterpreted the psychologist's words to fit my needs. I never faced myself or accepted responsibility for my actions. I convinced my husband that as soon as my parent-induced neuroses were cleared up life would be ideal; I would be able to eat and drink moderately. The sad part was that I really believed this. The doctor finally dismissed me.

Years that were more compulsive followed years of diet doctors, self-help books and resolutions. My husband again decided to leave me. I was desperate. I knew that this decision would be final. I began the OA program only to keep him with me. Before I knew it, I was going to meetings for another reason: a sincere desire to be straightened out. Life, for the first time, held a promise of hope.

The twelve steps introduced me to reality. What a shock it was to discover that I had to assume responsibility for the way I lived, that I was not merely an innocent victim, nor was my illness the fault of cruel parents or a punishing God. I had to become honest with myself and in doing so, I was able to let God remove the deadly resentments I had carried against Him, my parents, and the world in general. I now had a reason for living. I felt a part of humanity.

After my first month in OA, the compulsion to overeat was removed. I enjoy food now for what it is, not what it used to represent. Food is no longer a weapon with which to get back at "them" or an anesthetic to stupefy my emotions. Working at the twelve steps has slowly filled that big empty hole in my gut that no substance, chemical, or refined 86 proof could satisfy.

I have been maintaining a 40-pound weight loss for more than a year and a half. It feels strange to be the same size month after month. I used to have clothes in sizes five through sixteen, and alternated up and down with alarming speed. I will bet I have gained and lost several hundred pounds during my eating years. Now, when I buy a dress, I am fully confident that I will be able to wear it until it shows signs of deterioration, not me.

I have found that if I take my will back and decide that God is not working quite fast enough, the obsession with food returns. Now I have a choice. I do not have to eat because the program enables me to sit still and hurt. I can now accept emotional pain as a prelude to growth and not try to push it down.

My sponsors and friends truly love me for myself. I do not have to wear false faces or try to impress them. I can be the self I have always longed to be, at home in the world. I am not on the outside looking in, but rather take an active part in life. I hardly ever go to movies any more. The old escapes just are not appealing. Helping a newcomer brings every good feeling I looked for in fantasies. Having lost my fear of people, I find I have my own opinions and the courage to express them.

I have even come to like myself, finally. I realize that even at my worst I did the best I could. Guilt has been like a comfortable old shoe and I wear it well. However, if God has already forgiven me, it is time for me to forgive myself. Self worth comes very slowly, but it brings real freedom from all the old ideas.

It has taken a great deal of pain and effort to live in reality. However "we are not saints ... we are willing to grow along spiritual lines." That sentence has saved me from discouragement many times, for I still insist on taking backward steps. Now that I know a better way, the self-will does not last as long. I no longer enjoy suffering.

Recently, I celebrated four years of abstinence from alcohol and two years of abstinence from compulsive overeating. God, as I still do not and maybe never will understand Him, has given me the gift of abstinence and the Fellowship has shown me how to work this beautiful program.

My lifestyle has changed almost in spite of me. I was always a night eater and stayed up late. I slept all day because I hated to wake up to the consequences of my binge and the emptiness of the hours ahead. Now I enjoy getting up early for I have things to do worth while things like going to meetings, keeping a clean house, being a wife and mother. The hours fly by. I have discipline in areas I never imagined I would, such as exercising every morning just because it feels good. I eat more healthfully than ever before. It still amazes me how much energy good natural food provides.

I have learned to be moderate — yes, that scary word — with cigarettes, gum and beverages. I take vitamins instead of drugs, and with all of this clean living; my chronic physical problems have disappeared. I go to bed at a reasonable hour and go right to sleep. No more marathon stomachaches interrupt my nights.

I could never have fantasized a more beautiful life for myself. I want to continue to allow it to happen and keep my destructive self-will out of the way. My hope knows no limits, for God has no limits. I see more growth and freedom. One day at a time, I look forward to a forever in OA.



Be Ok

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok


I just want to be ok today

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today



I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today


Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts



I just want to know today, know today, know today

I just want to know something today

I just want to know today, know today, know today

Know that maybe I will be ok



Just give me back my pieces

Just give them back to me please

Just give me back my pieces

And let me hold my broken parts



I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today



I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today

I just want to know today, know today, know today

Know that maybe I will be ok

Know that maybe I will be ok

Know that maybe I will be ok

Recovery is an active process

If you are familiar with the 12 step program, note the action words in each of the 12 steps: Admit, Come, Decided, Make, Become, Ask, Continue, Seek, Share. Recovery is an "ACTIVE" process, which requires great mental and spiritual energy, especially early in the process, with continuing diligence for the rest of your life.

We must put into our recovery the same amount, or even more than we did into our addictions. Addictions are hard to keep up...the lies, the secrecy, the search for our "substances", financing our addictions...etc.etc.  Our recovery will require just as much effort. Recovery will require maintenance for the rest of our lives...But the effort behind recovery, in the end, will be far more satisfying and fulfilling than that of addiction.

Story from a Pornography addict

I don’t really know when it began. Or even why.


I was brought up in a wonderful Christian home with two parents who fully imparted God’s love to me, and nurtured in the faith by an excellent Bible-believing church. I came to know and love Jesus in a very authentic relationship in early childhood.

I didn’t struggle with most of the temptations urban teenagers encounter: drugs, alcohol, cheating at school, fighting, stealing. I had a superego the size of a Wal-Mart. Yet, sexual fantasy was a challenge for me, a source of incredible guilt and torment. Fortunately, through high school, I had limited exposure to explicit material.

But in college, that changed. I was living with non-Christian roommates and in an environment where pornography was pervasive, I found myself drawn to it, at first when no one was looking so as not to ruin my witness. By senior year, I gave up pretending and convinced myself that looking at porn was not sinful. This wasn’t by some theological revelation; it was because I got tired of having to constantly confess when I fell.

I got married two years after I graduated. By now, I’d renounced my attempts to make pornography use morally acceptable. I was sure that marriage would solve this problem (by now, it was a full-fledged addiction). It didn’t. No problem like an addiction gets solved by marriage. It made things worse.

Things deteriorated over the years. As technology changed and my resistance diminished, I found that behaviors I’d previously deemed unthinkable became normalized. All this while being deeply conflicted, ashamed, and terrified of being discovered. In my journal, I wrote:

"This is heavy………

Something unnatural, and way beyond my control is driving me on a futile search for more and more.

I love You, Lord; no other sin do I routinely commit in deliberate, premeditated fashion, not wanting to hurt you, but unable to stop.... Why?

I’m operating on two levels now. On one hand, I’m a deliberate, rebellious sinner, bent on a consuming lust, casting aside all concerns of godliness.

But then, I’m a man of God, desperately desiring to do what is right.

Do not utterly forsake me!”

Many a day, I’d wake up not wondering if I’d yield to temptation, but wondering how bad it would be. For several months at a time, I would stop taking communion, knowing that the next day, I’d probably be back at it again.

Even though at times I shared aspects of my struggle (including going to counseling), no one, including myself, understood and realized the extent to which this sin-sickness was consuming my soul. But in 1991, I became desperate; I saw clearly that I was being destroyed and was no longer able to hide my secret life. I disclosed all to my wife, parents, selected friends. For the next few months, I tried to change my life through counseling and accountability relationships.

However, I did not really understand how deeply embedded the addiction was in my soul, nor did I or those around me have a clue about the recovery process. And, in retrospect, I never really stopped addictive behavior. While I’d cut off the worst forms of acting out, there were many “minor” concessions I was continuing to make to lust. Soon, I was in full relapse. And too frightened, proud, and self-deceived to admit it.

One summer morning in 1995, my wife confronted me after I’d stayed up all night surfing online for pornography. In many ways, that morning, my life ended. In an instant, I went from being a superstar in my community, the ideal husband and father, an admired leader in the church, even the model recovering addict, to being a moral failure, a visual adulterer, a liar, a porno junkie.

As I confessed and came to realize how low I’d gone, as I saw the unspeakable pain these admissions caused my wife, as I bore the humiliation of church discipline (I was a leader and employee of my church), as I tallied the amount of money I’d spent and the time I’d wasted, as I was confronted with my moral bankruptcy, I began to question the ability of God’s love to extend to me. I understood grace, unconditional compassion, mercy beyond understanding; but I started to wonder if I was the exception clause, the one that God had abandoned. I wondered if my family, my community would be better off without me and even considered suicide, though for the sake of my children, I did not dwell on this for long.

Fortunately, my story doesn’t end here. Truly, with the psalmist, I can say:
“I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore. For great is thy mercy toward me: and thou hast delivered my soul from the lowest hell.” Ps. 86: 12-13 (KJV)

In the darkest night of my soul, I began a new life. And for the past eleven years, I’ve been involved in a journey of recovery, transformation, and restoration. And I can say that today I walk in freedom and victory.

God has used many tools to accomplish this including deep friendships that involve much more than just reporting my failures, periods of counseling with a therapist who really understands addiction, intense involvement with a 12-step group, the discipline of routine self-reflection, and the ministry of helping others who have struggled like me. And in this journey, I’ve had some amazing experiences and witnessed unchallengeable evidences of God’s grace and power.

Without question, the most miraculous sign of God’s favor has been in the ongoing restoration of my relationship with my wife. I will never fully grasp the depth of pain I caused her, the degree to which I betrayed her trust and shredded her self-esteem. Our former pastor described the impact of my addiction on my wife as like that of a Mac truck driving though a beautiful stained-glass window.

My actions ruined our marriage beyond repair. God has given my wife the amazing grace, the inexplicable capacity to forgive, so that we could work together to build a new marriage. I can never again question God’s love, for each morning I wake up next to a beautiful godly woman whose love I don’t deserve.

So, where am I now? I am free and I am being freed.

Free, in that I no longer worry about how bad it will be. Situations, environments, opportunities, emotions that would have led me to sin no longer do. I really can say “no”. Free, because I have developed a lifestyle of rigorous honesty, routine accountability, and behavioral safeguards, knowing that I am still vulnerable to temptation and self-deception.

And being freed. I am not perfect. I’m not what I used to be, but I ain’t what I’m gonna be. God continues to point out ways that I concede to my sinful nature (lust-based and otherwise). And I continue to heal from the patterns of thinking and relating to others that my years in addiction taught me.

When my life had fallen apart eleven years ago, I didn’t know if there was any hope for someone like me. But now I know that “… the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear” (Isaiah 59:1).

God has saved me. God has heard me. God has restored my life!

Your asking me?

I am honored, yet overwhelmed when people ask me what to do with their meth addicted son, or their alcoholic husbands...etc.etc. The only experiences I have to draw from are my own. I have never claimed to be educated or qualified to counsel another. I simply let them share their story, and if I feel so inspired, share mine with them. Their comes a strength from knowing and understanding what another individual is going through. They want to be 

 " heard".

Over the next few days I will be sharing stories with you. Stories of recovery, stories from family members, loved ones, spouses, children, parents...etc. They all need to be heard, they all need support, and they all need some form of recovery.

FLY AWAY

You dream 

You hope to be so many things 

But every star feels out of reach to you.

You pray

To be something more today

Just  hold on to a spark of faith and believe.

You have wings put there by God

And HE holds dreams for you…bigger than you thought

Maybe his plans are just more grand

Maybe he's waiting for you to take his hand and have the faith to fly away

Fly away, fly away, fly high fly away

If you try

if you hold your head up to the sky

There’s no doubt that you will find your strength

You have wings put there by God, and HE holds dreams for you…bigger than you thought

Maybe his plans are just more grand, maybe hes waiting for you to take his hand and have the faith to fly away

Fly away, fly away, fly high fly away………..

Fly away, by Mercy River

Executive Summary

The deeper I delve into this endeavour, the more and more amazed I am at the Lords hand in all things that I do regarding it. I have struggled this week as I have worked on my Executive Summary to submit to the committee for the business competition that I have entered. Not only have I struggled with the words to place upon the paper, but have dealt with quite a bit of discouragement too.

Most often discouragement fuels my fire. It first makes me angry that individuals have such little faith in me, then lights that little " I told you so " fire, and then the work gets done. However, this time I have started to believe what has been said. Maybe this is an insurmountable task.

I did the only thing I knew to do....I prayed. I shared with the Lord all that was on my heart; My desires for this type of business and my reasoning's why. I also shared with him what my shortcomings were and what I was struggling with. I then pleaded with Him as to what to do. How do I move forward, when I don't know how, and I obviously don't have the experience everyone keeps telling me that I lack.

Then something wonderful happened....So much information started to pour into my mind that I had to stop praying. I stopped so that I could write it all down before I forgot it. I then received an email from an old family friend (whom I haven't spoken to for many years) expressing words of encouragement, and sharing with me her thoughts on how proud my parents would be of me.

Shortly after reading that wonderful and God sent email, my son....My 12 year old son comes in and asks me how my "business stuff " is coming. I told him, " I don't know son, it is really hard and I just don't know if I can make it work." He then smiles and looks at me and says, " Of course it will mom. It is your dream, and you are just you, and everything you do turns out great."

The Lord knew what I needed to revive my faith in myself. He gave me knowledge and encouragement all in the same day, and I would've  been foolish not to have recognized it.

I am doing the right thing. The Lord expects great things from me. I know that when others loose faith in me, and even when I loose faith in myself, he grants me those moments and shows me that He still has faith in me.

Visitors

Please feel free to post comments, ask questions, or express what is on your mind regarding addictions and other related topics. I see your visits, yet no voices to be heard. All can be done anonymously too for privacy. I look forward to hearing from you and hearing your stories. The best support we can give is to share with one another and lift each others burdens through our experiences.

He Restoreth My Soul

A Life changing book for both my husband and I. It is geared to help understand and breaking the chemical and spiritual chains of Pornography addiction through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Although it is mostly based on Sexual addictions, it has brought to me a better knowledge of all addictions, as well as those that are not an actual chemical or substance.

In the past, I would have been one who thought that Crystal Meth, or Cocaine would be more highly addictive and harder to break than lets say, a food addiction ; or maybe even go as far out there as gaming. Yes ladies and gentlemen, gaming can become an addiction!

These kinds of addictions can almost be harder to break. Not only do they provide our brain the same type of "chemical high" that an actual substance does, but our brain itself produces it. WE PRODUCE THE CHEMICAL! The addiction must still be sought after, like one seeks the crack on the street, but we can actually give ourselves a "boost" just by thinking about or anticipating the "non drug" addiction.

The spiritual damage done by addiction is far greater than many understand.  The physician who wrote this book shared a story of inspiration that he received while performing brain surgery. I quote from his book, " After removing the tumor, I could look through the Foramen of Munroe into the floor of the third ventricle. This area contains the hypothalamus where emotion and hormones interplay. It is close to and connected to the nucleus accumbens, the ventral tegmental area, arcuate nucleus, and locus coeruleus, and all the other integral areas involved in pleasure and emotion. I though of Noonan's quote, long one of my favorites : " And if that which is human is also somehow divine, then nervous tissue is both the means of the miracle and the miracle itself. Complex beyond mans understanding, the human nervous system is the most sophisticated arrangement of cells that exists."

Somehow these structures I was looking at and gently manipulating with curative intent were ports through which the immortal spirit manifested itself to the temporal world.

Although I have performed hundreds of brain surgeries, this one somehow helped me gain more insight into this process than I previously had.

In some way, this unique organ allows our spirit to punch though into this world. It is in the neuron that this transition occurs. That is why damaging the brain is more than just a neurochemical addiction. Because the brain is the most tangible representative of the soul, the merging of the body and the spirit,... damage to the brain literally damages the soul."

If we loose our link to Deity and loose the ability to feel and receive communication from our Father in Heaven, we Spiritually die. If we die spiritually, what good are we in this life or the next.

The Lord has proved tool for us to Return to him. Both spiritually as well as physically. Both are needed to succeed. Come unto Him. He will show you the way, heal your soul, and heal your addictions.

If you would like a copy of the book, please contact me and I can get it for you for a very low cost.

"He Restoreth My Soul"

by Donald L Hilton Jr., MD

Look With Compassion

" The nearer we get to our Saviour and our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing Souls." Neil A Maxwell

" Jesus Christ shows forth all long suffering, for a pattern to them which should hereafter believe on him" 1Timothy 1:16

I believe that once we realize that we ourselves, have been met with long suffering through our own inadequacies, we are more inclined to show patience and long suffering with others who are struggling. 

I have such a greater understanding of the Atonement of our Saviour as well. I will never fully grasp all that the Lord has done for us, but through my own struggles and trials, I understand that it is not just for the sinner or the repenter. Because of the Atonement I can be taught to have greater compassion, to forgive and allow broken hearts to be mended, to love with a greater capacity, to allow others to change, to heal from loss, and so much more.

I have been blessed with a clearer understanding and a greater compassion for those who struggle with addiction. Not just a substance, but addiction of all kinds. The Lord truly has changed my heart as I have sought for Him to, and asked for further light regarding the matter. As human nature we are so quick to shove another's face in the dirt and belittle them for the mistakes they have made. We also become their enabler by not allowing them to change, or not giving them the opportunity to change. The only way we can change that is to draw closer unto the Lord and ask for a change of heart, so that we too may look with compassion.